HOW
TO SOLVE PROBLEMS
RELATED TO CLUTTER:
RELATED TO CLUTTER:
PROBLEMEvery afternoon around 5:00, right before dinnertime and just prior to her husband arriving home, Mrs. Lee asks her 7-year-old twins, Michael and Joshua, to put away their toys and tidy up the living room where they have been playing. Sometimes the boys pick up some of their toys, but most of the time they ignore their mother’s prodding, such as: “Hurry up, guys, Dad will be home soon,” or “Let’s see who can pick up the most toys the fastest.” Many evenings, the father arrives home to a messy living room. Seeing the mess, he often yells at his wife, “How come every time I come home the house is a mess? Can’t you make the boys clean up?” Then, he yells at Michael and Joshua, “You clean up this living room right now, or you’re grounded.” The boys quickly begin the task of cleaning up their mess. But the next evening, the same scene ensues.
DISCUSSION
Parents need to realize that children are not naturally neat. They are not bothered by toys or clothes lying on the floor. Some children who ARE overly neat are unhappy children trying to act overly “good.”
Teaching children how to behave properly in a family should never be done in anger or as a punishment. Children want to please their parents. They learn best when they can focus fully on what the parent is teaching. Teaching a child through fear is a very inefficient way to get across the long term point. Fear siphons away a child’s cognitive energy and changes the focus of the lesson from what is right, grown-up and good for the family, to what the child needs to do to avoid punishment at that moment. This incites children to lie about misbehavior or to claim inadequacy, such as not being able to remember the rules. Children do not learn to be responsible for their own actions when frightened into immediate compliance. They learn how to dodge responsibility. They often misbehave again, the next day, in order to “get back” at the bossy or disrespectful pa
rent. SOLUTION
How can a parent train children to be reasonably neat? The Family Council meeting is the perfect place to begin training.
1. Discuss with your children the kind of home you want to live in and why it is important. If they ask, “But why does it have to be so neat?” you can reply, “Because we take pride in our home.”
2. Ask them whether they prefer a messy or tidy home. Most children will agree that tidy is best.
3. Ask them for suggestions on how to keep the house reasonably tidy, especially right after playtime or before bedtime.
4. Together, decide what common areas are play areas and which are not.
5. Together, decide how many toys each child should have available to play with, at a time. We suggest each child have 5 toys to play with per week. The rest should be put away until the next Family Council meeting. At each Family Council meeting, the children choose which 5 toys they want for the coming week.
7. Decide
what will happen if the toys are not put away by that time. For
example, if the toys are not put away prior to supper, then the
children are told they are not ready to eat. If the toys are not
put away prior to bed time, then the children are told they are not
ready for sleep. 8. Establish a family clean-up routine when the children are young—in the same way you introduce tooth-brushing or bathing times. With very young children, the parent(s) will do most of the work with the children participating. As the children grow older and more capable, their share of the work will increase while the parent’s share decreases.
9. Let the children know that if they refuse to cooperate in cleaning the common areas, or if, after a while, they seem to forget, then the toys they have left out will be removed from the house and will be unavailable until the next Family Council meeting.
10. We have found that children who have too many toys and clothes available do not value them and thus leave them around the house, which makes a mess. It is not difficult to store toys and clothes away and rotate these to produce novelty and avoid the perceived need to buy more and more items.
