HOW TO DEAL WITH PROBLEMS
COOPERATING WITH THE FAMILY
AND FOLLOWING ITS RULES:
PROBLEM
Peter, 4, had a habit of getting into the medicine cabinet above the bathroom sink. Whenever he was left alone he would climb up the toilet seat onto the sink. From there he could easily open the cabinet that contained the family’s medications as well as other harmful substances. Peter’s mother would catch him shaking the pill bottles up and down. Every time, she would panic, snatch him from the sink, spank him, and yell at him for being a “bad boy”. She had no idea how to prevent him from playing in the cabinet and hated resorting to yelling and violence.
DISCUSSION
More likely than not, Peter perceives opening the bathroom cabinet as a way to gain attention even if punishment is the consequence. Paying attention to a child for good behavior and during regular “special times” often reduces the child’s need to receive attention by misbehaving. However, in addition, the parent needs to assure the child’s safety.
SOLUTION
1) “Minimize the necessity for orders” particularly in relation to safety issues. Childproofing your house for example is a simple solution and helps to avoid many unnecessary power struggles with children. In this case, child-locks on the medicine cabinet will solve the problem of worrying about Peter eating medicines or poisons. However, an attention-seeking child, thwarted from opening the medicine cabinet may then seek another venue.
2) “It should be made unmistakably clear to children what they are expected to do or not do.” Discuss with your children the safety rules and limits in your house, yard and neighborhood.
3) At the same time, come up with and make clear the consequences for failing to comply with these safety rules. Effective consequences are those that fix the problem in some way or avoid the danger. For example, if Peter cannot refrain from climbing up and opening the medicine cabinet, then he loses the right to take himself to use the bathroom. He will need to be accompanied to the bathroom until he shows that he is mature enough to stay away from the cabinet.
4) Similarly, if an older child cannot use the toaster in a safe way, it becomes off limits to that person until they prove their responsibility. Meanwhile, they will need to rely on the adults to make their toast. The desire to grow up, to have autonomy and to be seen as mature often secures the child’s cooperation.
5) With older children, parents worry about road safety. In terms of safety issues for riding bikes, children can be told: “It is essential that you ride your bike in the safe way the police showed you when you got your license. If you do not do that, your bike will need to be off limits until you can show us you can keep yourself safe on the road.”
6) Children should be asked and should acknowledge that they understand and will comply with any agreements made.
7) Children may test these agreements from time to time. Parents should remain firm in imposing the agreed upon consequences. Remember to execute the consequences quietly and immediately.
Peter, 4, had a habit of getting into the medicine cabinet above the bathroom sink. Whenever he was left alone he would climb up the toilet seat onto the sink. From there he could easily open the cabinet that contained the family’s medications as well as other harmful substances. Peter’s mother would catch him shaking the pill bottles up and down. Every time, she would panic, snatch him from the sink, spank him, and yell at him for being a “bad boy”. She had no idea how to prevent him from playing in the cabinet and hated resorting to yelling and violence.
DISCUSSION
More likely than not, Peter perceives opening the bathroom cabinet as a way to gain attention even if punishment is the consequence. Paying attention to a child for good behavior and during regular “special times” often reduces the child’s need to receive attention by misbehaving. However, in addition, the parent needs to assure the child’s safety.
SOLUTION1) “Minimize the necessity for orders” particularly in relation to safety issues. Childproofing your house for example is a simple solution and helps to avoid many unnecessary power struggles with children. In this case, child-locks on the medicine cabinet will solve the problem of worrying about Peter eating medicines or poisons. However, an attention-seeking child, thwarted from opening the medicine cabinet may then seek another venue.
2) “It should be made unmistakably clear to children what they are expected to do or not do.” Discuss with your children the safety rules and limits in your house, yard and neighborhood.
3) At the same time, come up with and make clear the consequences for failing to comply with these safety rules. Effective consequences are those that fix the problem in some way or avoid the danger. For example, if Peter cannot refrain from climbing up and opening the medicine cabinet, then he loses the right to take himself to use the bathroom. He will need to be accompanied to the bathroom until he shows that he is mature enough to stay away from the cabinet.
4) Similarly, if an older child cannot use the toaster in a safe way, it becomes off limits to that person until they prove their responsibility. Meanwhile, they will need to rely on the adults to make their toast. The desire to grow up, to have autonomy and to be seen as mature often secures the child’s cooperation.
5) With older children, parents worry about road safety. In terms of safety issues for riding bikes, children can be told: “It is essential that you ride your bike in the safe way the police showed you when you got your license. If you do not do that, your bike will need to be off limits until you can show us you can keep yourself safe on the road.”
6) Children should be asked and should acknowledge that they understand and will comply with any agreements made.
7) Children may test these agreements from time to time. Parents should remain firm in imposing the agreed upon consequences. Remember to execute the consequences quietly and immediately.