HOW
TO DEAL WITH
PROBLEMS OF DAWDLING:
PROBLEMS OF DAWDLING:
PROBLEMMrs. Jones was struggling as usual to get her daughter, Jenny, to school. Every morning, they would go through the same routine. After breakfast, Mrs. Jones would pick up her briefcase and purse and instruct Jenny to grab her stuff and get in the car. Jenny would walk slowly through the living room to the front door where she would sit and slowly tie her shoes. Despite Mrs. Jones’ pleads for her to hurry and leave the house, Jenny would take her time putting on her shoes, tying and retying them and picking up her sweatshirt and backpack. Mrs. Jones, frustrated by her daughter’s slow pace, often picked up the girl, angrily, along with her backpack and the mother’s items and would carry them all out to the car. Jenny’s dawdling put Mrs. Jones in a bad mood for most mornings.
DISCUSSION
Children often dawdle in an attempt to receive the hurried parent’s attention. Jenny may be “testing” her mother as to “what is more important to you, ME, or your precious schedule?” Children sense that they are of relatively low priority in the rush of the morning routine. IF they are not secure in their sense of importance and belonging, they find it difficult to tolerate this hiatus in parental attention. In a perpetually hurried household, the problem is aggravated since the child ALWAYS feels like a fifth wheel.
The solution in this case is two-fold as usual. The problem will be solved if the parent effectively helps the child move away from her undue attention-seeking, which is pushing the mother and other family members FURTHER away from her and is making matters worse. At the same time the mother’s task is to find a way to deeply assure the child that she securely belongs in the family and is special, significant and respected in the parents’ eyes.
The solution to undue attention-seeking at the moment of misbehavior, as in other situations, is to neutrally ignore and move around the behavior. In this case, the mother can talk with Jenny, when both are relaxed, and can let her know the car will be leaving at 7:00 each morning. Jenny will need to be in the car. However, she can put on her shoes in the car if they are not already on.
The solution to low sense of importance, as in other situations, is daily special, individual time with the child.
SOLUTIONJenny’s mother went to work and cleared her schedule for the next week’s evenings. She picked up Jenny at school without mentioning the morning’s incident.
As she and Jenny were working together to make dinner she asked her if she might like “special, individual time” with her each day at a set time. Jenny liked the idea. The mother went on to say that during this time Jenny could decide an active activity for them to play and the mother would follow her lead and join in.
They would have special time at the same time each day, for 10 minutes. The mother would bring the timer and Jenny would bring the idea for play. Jenny liked this idea, but wondered if the mother would ONLY spend 10 minutes with her each day. The mother explained that although special time lasted only 10 minutes they would spend all the rest of the time they normally did, together. They decided to have special time each day right when they came home from school.
The mother also explained the
morning contingencies—that she would be
leaving at 7:00 with Jenny in the car. If she had not dressed or
eaten she could dress in the car and eat at school.The next morning Jenny lolled around in bed, did not get up or dressed and did not make it to breakfast. The mother put a warm washcloth and bag of Jenny’s clothes and shoes in the car and at 7:00 carried her out to the car, screaming, in her pajamas.
Jenny washed and dressed in the car and after crying, listened as her mother explained she could ask the teachers for snack when she arrived at school, if hungry.
That afternoon the mother picked her up without mentioning the incident. They had special time during which they played with Jenny’s dollhouse, enacting the morning scene in its rough and smooth versions several times.
From then on the morning routine went smoothly. Most of the time, however, Jenny CHOSE to put on her shoes in the car.
