Mr. and Mrs. Madison had only been a sleep a few hours, when they were awakened by the screams of their youngest daughter, Allison. Mr. Madison rushed to the little girl’s bedroom to see what had startled her.  There sat, Alley, upright in bed, tears streaming down her face.

“What’s wrong, honey?” he asked as he rapped his arms around the crying child.

“I had a bad dream,” Alley sobbed.

“How about you sleep with us for a while until you feel better?” Mr. Madison suggested as he carried Alley into their room, and put her in bed next to her mother.  Alley slept quietly, all night, in the comfort of her parent’s bed.  The next morning, Mrs. Madison approached her husband, concerned about Alley’s nightmares. 

“Do you think we should do something, dear?  It seems like every other night she is sleeping in our bed because of some terrible nightmare.”

“I know, it is a bit odd,” he responded. “She’s just a little girl though, and I want her to feel safe.  I’m sure she will grow out of it.”

DISCUSSION

Children have nightmares for good reasons.  Their lives ARE stressful, particularly at points of transition, say from being at home with mother or nanny to going to school, or from summer vacation to the school year, or around moves, or divorce, separation, deaths, break ups in friendships, etc.

Parents CAN protect children from unnecessary stressful stimulation in life by minimizing television viewing in the home (in particular, the news and violent reality shows and DVD’s).  Parents, for example, can watch the news and other stimulating shows at night in the privacy of their bedroom. However, parents cannot (nor should they want to) completely protect children from the normal stresses of life.  Childhood is a good time to learn to cope with uncertainty and fear.

Children’s nightmares can be very graphic and terrifying.  However, it is the parent’s role to assure the child that this was an IMAGINED terror and not a real one.  Children must develop the courage to tolerate the vividness of their own imaginations.  It is crippling to provide external crutches to save a child from herself.  This gives her the message that what goes on in her head can be a seriously threatening situation.  This is not the case.  The child has had a mental DREAM that CANNOT hurt her. 

When parents act as if their child’s thoughts were truly threatening—such as by taking the child to the safety of the parents’ bed—they send the message that there really IS something to be afraid of.  This is counterproductive, since we are trying to shore up the child’s courage rather than undermine it.

The same applies for BOOGEY MEN under the bed.  A very un-reassuring act is for a parent to get down on her hands and knees and look under the bed to make sure a boogey man is NOT there.  This conveys the message that one could actually be there.

Parents should approach night terrors calmly and in a friendly and respectful nature.  The purpose is to recognize the fear, let the child know that many people have nightmares and fear dangers that are not really there, but that these fears are unfounded and the child is safe.

SOLUTION

The most effective way to do this is to enter the room in a friendly fashion, kiss the child on the cheek and tuck her in again, saying, “Oh, I see you’ve had a bad dream and are calming yourself down.  Have a good sleep, now.  We’ll see you in the morning.”  In the morning you can comment on how well she did calming herself down and then drop the subject.

If she comes to your bed crying that she is afraid, take her gently but firmly by the hand or wrist and walk her back to bed.  The first time you institute this practice, you may need to walk her back several times.  If it looks like she will persist, shorten the process by placing a chair in the hallway between her room and yours and neutrally read a book and listen to music with a head set, until she gives up on arousing YOUR anxiety about her mental images.  It is important to smile but say nothing when walking her back.