HOW TO DEAL WITH
FIGHTING IN THE HOME
FIGHTING IN THE HOME
PROBLEM
Nine (9) year old Jacob and seven (7) year old Emily began fighting just as father began watching his favorite television show. “Stop your damn fighting and get out of here,” father scolded. Two minutes later the children were back, this time yanking at a video controller and shoving each other. “She took my remote,” Jacob whined.
“Because you threw my bear across the room,” Emily retorted.
Father yelled: “If you kids don’t stop this fighting, you’ll have to go into time-out. Now go to your rooms.” The children left the living room, but did not go to their rooms. Instead they continued fighting in the hallway near their mother’s study.
Why do children fight? The answer is simple but is often unknown or forgotten by parents. CHILDREN FIGHT FOR THEIR PARENTS’ ATTENTION. It is rarely for the reasons they state or which appear obvious.
SOLUTION
Parents who yell or punish their children for fighting actually perpetuate the problem by giving it a pay-off. Pay-offs can either be positive, pleasant attention, or negative, unpleasant attention. Either way, the rule of thumb stands: If you want to see the behavior again, give it a positive or negative pay-off. But if you want it extinguished, ignore it completely.
Had father attended our Family Education Training Center he would have gotten the following advice—what we call the “3 Bs:” Bear it! Beat it! Or Boot ‘em!
Bear it. If it is at all possible, (and if this does not inconvenience others in the area) act as though nothing annoying is happening. Your children are learning how to deal with conflicts. You are teaching them that they must learn to solve problems by themselves. You also are teaching them that negative behavior is not the way for them to get your attention.
Beat it. This refers to quietly leaving the area so as not to be an audience. At a family meeting let your children know that you will do this if they fight. We suggest that without saying a word or showing anger in any way, you go to a room that is inaccessible to the child. If the children knock on the room door, ignore it. When all has been quiet for at least three (3) minutes, come out acting as though nothing has happened. Uttering words or sounds or making gestures will spoil the lesson. Remember you are teaching your children that you choose not to interact with them when they are being disruptive.
Boot ‘em refers to sending them out if they insist on fighting. Again, you should do this in as neutral, matter-of-fact way as you can. We suggest you say: “You two can fight, but you need to go outside to do so—so as not to bother us. When you are done, please feel free to come back in.” Say this only once, do not repeat it. If the children do not go outside, remove them in complete silence and without showing anger. From then on, if you use this method, do it in complete silence.
Use CAUTION before using the “Boot” method with a teenager. If your child is a teenager this may not a good technique as you are inviting a power contest between the two of you. Initiating a power contest with your teen is the wrong thing to do and very well may escalate a conflict.
