HOW
TO DEAL WITH PROBLEMS
CONCERNING MONEY:
CONCERNING MONEY:
PROBLEM“Dad, can I have ten dollars?”
“What for?
“There’s a video game on sale.”
“No!”
“Why not?”
“Because I said so!”
“But all the other kids’ fathers help them buy video games.”
“I don’t care what other kids’ fathers do.”
“But Dad, that’s not fair.”
“Life is not fair.”
By this time, father has dug himself into a big hole and cannot get out of it even if he wished to change his mind.
DISCUSSION
Conflicts about money and property are common in families. The only equally troublesome disagreements between parents are about raising children.
Many parents have difficulty uncoupling their traditional way of looking at allowances. They see allowances as a kind of payment for doing family chores. If the chores are not done, the allowance is withheld.
In families that are run like a participatory democracy, however, all members contribute to the chores as a way to keep the group functioning smoothly, not as a way to work for Mom and Dad, the “owners” of the family. In a participatory democracy, all members “own” the family and give to the family according to their abilities and take from the family according to their needs.
If a member fails to perform their chores, then the agreed upon logical consequences are applied (as noted in our web page on cooperation on chores). But members continue to receive their allowances. People are expected to contribute their efforts to the group. They can also expect to share in the resources of the family. The family BELONGS to all members, not just the parents.
Allowances are not connected to working for the good of the family. They are a way to distribute some of the family resources. Children should have a right to a reasonable portion of the family resources in the same way they benefit from having the family’s roof over their head, daily food and clothing. Typically, children are not required to work for their food or lodging. Similarly, they deserve some money to participate in our money-economy and to share the family resources without having to beg for them.
Receiving an allowance also helps them learn money management. Many university students report trouble managing their money, because they had little experience doing so before they left home. For this to be a true learning experience, parents should refrain from telling children HOW to spend or save their money. Children will learn more completely, through experience. Although, as with everything else, it is effective to explain to children how YOU save and spend your money and how you make wise decisions.
Children need to be taught to respect their own property. The care of tricycles, bicycles, video games and computers seems to be an issue with parents, due to the high cost of these items. We suggest that whenever children are given or self-purchase a high-cost item that parents educate them about safety rules as well as how to care for their new acquisition. The value of the item should be discussed as well as any ideas the child has as to the logical consequence (such as saving up to repay the destroyed item) if the item is abused.
IF the child has purchased the item, we suggest not imposing logical consequences but rather, allow natural consequences to teach the child. Thus, a rusted truck or broken video game they bought becomes the problem of the child, not the parent. For items they buy, stay out of it. They will learn on their own. However, do not take pity on children who lose or destroy their own property. If you replace these items, they learn little.
SOLUTION
Painter and Corsini (1989) suggest many excellent solutions to money problems with children, which we present, below. We strongly suggest that allowances be paid at the end of each Family Council meeting. We also suggest that problems of property be discussed and agreements made during that week’s Family Council meeting.
Money issues.
1. Children receive money in three (3) forms: (a) allowance, which includes expense money (for school lunch, bus fare, etc.), and spending money (for snacks, toys); (b) gifts (Grandmother sends ten dollars for a birthday); and (c) earned money (for gardening, attic cleaning, or other jobs that you might pay an outsider to do, but offer to your child, instead).
2. All children old enough to understand the concept of money should have money of their own which they may use without having to account for it.
3. Children should not be made to beg for money. Allowances should be a right, not a privilege, and should be used to teach the child how to manage money.
4. Children should be given opportunities to earn money at fair rates.
5. Money
should not be used for reward or punishment.
6. Parents should give the allowance at an appointed time, weekly—they should not lend money with expectations og repayment from next week’s allowance. They also should be willing to negotiate increases in the allowance as the child gets older.
7. Children have the right to decide how they will spend their allowance. They may make a mistake and squander their money, in which case they will learn not to squander it, providing you do not feel sorry for them and give them money to “make them happy.”
8. Children should be encouraged to save part of their allowance. The goal of this savings is an individual issue to be decided by each family. Some families encourage saving for college early on. Others will allow the child to save for an item determined by the child, even if the parents do not see the item as wise or worth it.
9. Start a bank account for them when they are old enough to understand the concept of numbers and of saving. They will enjoy seeing the account grow and it will be a practical asset later on. Children especially like to use the automatic teller to put money in the bank, or talk to the bank teller like a grown-up.
10. Decisions regarding what to do with gifts of money must be decided ahead of time with the child’s cooperation. You might suggest that, if Grandmother sends $100 for Christmas, Hanukah, or a birthday, the child spend only a mutually agreed upon portion of it (say a tenth or 25%) on toys or something special, and put the remainder in the bank
