HOW TO
DEAL WITH DIFFICULTIES AT HOME
RELATED TO
SCHOOL:
PROBLEM
While
Mr. Ingalls was busy fixing the kitchen sink, he
received a phone call from his son’s teacher who said Brent was having
some
trouble in class. The teacher said Brent
was not paying attention, was falling asleep, was not completing his
homework
and was beginning to dress in black quite a lot.
Mr.
and Mrs. Ingalls went in for a conference with Brent’s
two teachers, who were worried that Brent was “heading down a dark
path” and
hanging out with the wrong crowd.
Because he showed no interest in school work, they wondered
whether he
was interested in anything at home. The
Ingalls described his love of computer games, drawing and heavy metal
music.
The
teachers suggested that the parents limit his computer
and music time, monitor Brent’s homework and friends, help him fill in
a study
calendar, check his work daily for spelling and grammar errors, make
sure he
was up to date with his projects and sign a form, each night, that
Brent’s
homework was completed. They also wanted
them to explain to him the importance of his GPA for college.
Mr.
and Mrs. Ingalls both worked full time. They
also had 2 other children. They returned
home, confused, and wondered
when and how they were going to manage Brent’s school work. They got into an argument with Brent that
evening, when he shrugged and said everything was fine in school and
that he
did not want to talk with them about it.
DISCUSSION
A
major concern parents have for their children relates to
the parents’ dreams of their child’s success.
Parents want their children to be successful; they want them to
do well
for themselves in life. Often, parents
will drive for that success so hard that they create a situation in
which they
and their home become an extension of the school. This
is often unpleasant for everyone and may
have the unwanted effect of turning children against learning.
Parents
can more effectively motivate their children to
learn by creating an intellectual atmosphere at home and modeling the
value of
learning by making it part of their own activities.
Children learn most from what they see their
parents doing—not from their parents’ words.
Suggestions
are:
Provide the needed time and materials for your child to work
effectively. Show interest in the
child’s school topics, when brought to your attention.
School and school-work should be the child’s
business—in the same way that work and work-related “homework” are the
parent’s
business. This may be made clear to the
child.
For
example, if your child whines for you to “help” her with
her homework, you can say: “Now that you are old enough, you are just
like Dad
and me. Our work is our own to do, just
like your work is yours to do. I can
listen while you figure it out, if that will help.”
Trust the child’s natural desire to improve
him/herself and assure that learning remains a positive process in your
household,
not something to fight about.
SOLUTION
Solving
school problems has two parts: 1) improve the
attitude of the child toward school, learning and academic practice;
and 2)
improve the attitude of the parents.
“The
best way to have our children interested in learning is
to lead them, not to direct or force them.”
Parents show children that they, too, enjoy learning when they
discuss
interesting intellectual subjects, use manuals to help solve problems,
use
encyclopedias and other reference materials to look up facts, take
courses
themselves and do their thinking/writing work in plain sight of the
children.
In
some families, parents and children do their work
together on the kitchen or dining room table.
The learning process should remain pleasant.
Parents should expect and allow children to
do for themselves—while being available to quiz the child or listen to
problem-solving
if the child wants that.
Parents
should also change their attitudes about their role
in their child’s schooling:
1)
As
much as possible,
beyond providing a supportive
environment for learning, let school be the child’s business. The child is going to school for his or her
sake, not yours.
2)
As
much as possible, let
the school handle children’s
schooling – let the specialists teach and guide them. Except under
exceptional
circumstances, such as when the child is miserable for some reason at
school—your interference is more likely to harm than help. As much as
possible,
allow the school to handle the child around school matters.
3)
Do
not do the school’s
work (such as checking the
child’s homework every night, correcting their mistakes or insisting
that they
redo mistaken work) even if asked by the school to do so.
4)
Do
not do the work for
the child. School projects completed by
parents
5)
Do
not reward or punish a
child for their school
work. “If s/he gets good grades, do not
go into raptures; if s/he gets poor grades, do not criticize.” Ask the child what she thinks of her report
card. That is the important issue.
6)
DO
show interest in the
children’s schoolwork. Ask questions about
what they are learning
and be receptive when children want to demonstrate what they know or
show you
their work.
7)
Join
and be active in the
Parent-Teacher
Association. Be concerned about the kind
of school you have. Work on
8)
Enjoy
diverse activities
with your children and show
them how you learn new things at the zoo, aquarium, lava tubes,
discovery
center, beach and on hikes.
9)
Do projects with your children, showing them how to work
and solve problems
10) Have your children
help you with your own building, planting or cleaning work or your
hobbies-emphasizing the satisfaction and problem-solving aspects of
these projects.
11) Help your
children learn activities that interest them.
SOLUTION IN BRENT’S CASE
In
Brent’s case, it is important for the parents to continue
modeling positive learning by doing their own work, in full view, at
home and
explaining what they are doing and why.
They should continue to engage in joint activities and work
projects
with Brent. They should show interest in
his computer work, drawing, drumming and electric guitar and ask how he
solves
problems in these domains. They should
clearly report the teachers’ concerns and listen to their son’s
reactions on
these. They should affirm that they will
help in any way Brent wishes, to make schooling more manageable and
pleasant,
such as quizzing him if he wishes, hiring a tutor, buying supplies, or
whatever
Brent thinks might help. Beyond this,
however,
they should say they need to stay out of his work unless asked in. This conveys that the work is his and that
they trust him.
At
the same time they may remind him of certain realities:
1) they are paying a sizable amount for his education and do not
appreciate it
if he wastes this by not bothering to work, in the same way they would
feel
angry if he broke a piece of equipment they had bought for him; and 2)
they
cannot protect him from the consequences of not doing school work. For example, if he fails, the school will ask
him to find a different school to attend and they will not be able to
fix this.
The
parents should also convey to the school, in Brent’s
hearing, that the school has the parents’ permission to respectfully
take up
these issues with Brent. They encourage
the teachers to discuss poor grades, lack of homework, sleeping in
class,
disinterest, and lack of concern over GPA with Brent and to clarify the
school
expectations and consequences for his behavior.
The parents should also convey their permission to the teachers
to
impose any reasonable consequences for such behavior onto their son, if
he
refuses to rise to the teachers’ expectations. The school should be
given the
freedom to deal with Brent in reasonable, respectful but realistic
ways—such as
increasing mandatory study halls, requiring him to stay after to
complete work,
giving poor grades, insisting that inadequate work be redone, etc.
Children
need to be trusted with their own futures and
“learn for themselves” the consequences of their actions.
